there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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