is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
