shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
