Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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