I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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