I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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