Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
