Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
