am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
