those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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