Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
farters have to be the big spoon...
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
