I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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