I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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