i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
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