i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
