shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
