Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
