her facebook's as public as her vagina
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
