It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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