covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
