Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
