meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Fuck appropriateness.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
