I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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