you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
