Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
