Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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