Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
