cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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