Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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