my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
