Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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