Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
My ATM looks so different sober.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
whose ass print is on the piano?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
