im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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