we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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