I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
