Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
