TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
