hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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