the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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