Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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