The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
