'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
