my phone needs a breathalizer
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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