You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
