First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
