Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize