I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
