I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
