I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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