just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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