If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
