Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
