Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
