i think i have two assholes
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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