Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
