You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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